 I went to sleep last night in floods of tears. The last thing I shouted out into the empty still darkness was "WHERE THE F*@K ARE YOU GOD?"I have been through a hugely challenging time in the last 2 years, I have separated from my husband of fifteen years, moved out of my family home. I am totally self sufficient and now live on my own half the week then with my two children the other half. I have recently lost my mother from liver cancer, having lost my father from leukaemia several years back. Two weeks after my mother's passing, my grandmother also passed away. During this time, I was also in another new relationship with a new partner, which also fell apart. All these harsh endings and all this loss has shaken me, like a massive earthquake. The overwhelming grief has come at me like a tsunami, almost engulfed me in a tidal wave of raw emotions. It's overwhelming, it's shockingly scary, it's lonely, it's sad. I am angry, guilty, in denial. These intense feelings are the recognised stages of grief, and I know that I must to surf the waves of grief, or else I will drown in the sea of pity. I am a survivor. I will not drown. This is the time for me to heal, to mend, to find the resources necessary for my own earth to be rebuilt and re-established. This is why through this adversity, loneliness, darkness and isolation, I can only seek solace in the only thing that cannot leave me, cannot die on me and will always be with me. This is myself. This is my own inner spirit who has been quietly and patiently waiting to be my only companion on my journey ahead. The journey is an inner one, a deep exploration into my own soul. Who am I? Or rather who am I not? Where can I find this inner happiness, peace, bliss, joy, love that we are told resides within us all? This is my own personal journey into myself. It's a heroes journey, and it starts with the intention. I am ready to face this journey now and take this challenge of a lifetime. "Feel the fear and do it anyway", is a popular spiritual teaching that pops into my head as I write this. I am definitely feeling the fear, and I am finding my feet on terrain that is unpredictable, uncertain, uncharted. It feels like I am learning to balance on a wobbly jelly. This is a journey in to no-man's (or woman's) land. Nobody has ever walked this path before. This is my path to walk, and mine alone. I cannot bring a friend, a guide or a helper. I have to simply trust that all I need will be provided for as and when I need it. It feels like one of those computer games, where you go on a mission to accomplish a task, and you are tested, challenged, dissuaded, misinformed, misguided, thrown, banished. All you have to complete your mission, are the tools that randomly pop up for you to use and you need to be ultra aware with heightened sensitivity at all times. It's a dangerous place, but if you have your wits about you and your senses sharpened, you will defeat and conquer, push through the pain, get through the darkness, and accomplish the task. The only difference is, there is no pause button, no reset, no cheats. This is the game of life, and it's one battle that you have to fight all on your own. All sacred texts, spiritual teachings and wise gurus and sages tell us that God is within, so, I am now on my mission and inner journey to find him. I feel like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, following a yellow brick road, only my road isn't a solid surface, it's definitely not yellow, and I don't have a cute dog running along beside me. And I most certainly don't have any ruby slippers on. All I have is my faith, my trust, my intention, my willingness, my calling to leap, or tentatively step into the unknown. Apparently, I am told that even though I cannot bring a friend with me to hold my hand and support me, if I take the first tentative step off the solid, physical surface into the dark void, there will actually be a guide waiting, an angel, a well wisher. A spiritual satnav, if you like. This is a comforting thought. Well, the time has come for me to put my trust and faith to the test. Wish me luck! God, here I come. |
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